If this blog were an actual physical location, I imagine it to be similar to desolate theme park. Once loved by many, filled with giggles of delighted children who’s faces are drenched in ice-cream and the parents are too distracted by the sheer joy of their children to care…but now thick with dust, cobwebs, and perhaps a renegade tumbleweed or two. There’s still color to this theme park under all that dust, and slowly but surely the neon lights are coming to life again.
The past six months have been a dark time in my life, and it honestly takes a lot for me to even say that. I feel like an unappreciative jerk to be honest. It all came to head at Sean’s birthday dinner, the poor guy. I get a free glass of champagne in honor of HIS birthday and I might as well have been laying down on a couch talking with a therapist (albeit a very unenthused therapist…eating a steak). Excluding all the tipsy ramble, it basically boiled down to turning 30 and not fitting into that “adult” mold I’d created for myself since the first time someone asked me “What do you want to be when you grow up?”. My answer? Well that changed over time as various interests popped in and out of my life, but never did I consider being a stay-at-home mom. Nope! Never! But I’ll tell you what, this version of my “adulthood” is much more difficult than I ever imagined.
After that brief meeting with my “therapist” I wrote a whole blog post examining all the dark ways of my head, but I couldn’t bring myself to post it. It’s hard letting people know you’re struggling. I felt alone. A lot. But why? When did I become lonely? When I became the mom whose young children outnumbered the two hands she had available to wrangle said children? When my son’s “disabilities” became more apparent as their friends got older? When school schedules made day time outings virtually impossible? It’s hard to pinpoint it exactly, but I know the answer to all of those is “YES!”. I’m not the same person I was a year ago when this all came about, but then again…none of us are. Change is inevitable and it’s a matter of how one responds to change that can will effect their outlook on life.
Six months… Six long months I let myself succumb to the loneliness, waiting for someone to swoop in and rescue me. It took me realizing that I needed to rescue myself. If my rescuers weren’t coming, I needed to go to them. Want to hear something shocking? I’m an introvert. Say whaaaa!?!?! I hate crowds. Especially when I’m the new kid in class. Cliques – can’t stand them. Basically what I am saying is that this was extremely difficult for me. If I’m reaching out to you, consider yourself one in a million. You’re that darn special to me, and you all know who you are.
Last month I left my family behind and hit the road all the way to Scotland. I’d been mentioning to two friends that I needed an escape, a break, just time to myself. From there bloomed the idea of our girl’s trip, and it was exactly what I needed. It was the most freeing 4 days of my life. Surrounded by caring women, who needed an ‘out’ just as much as I did. We, in a way, freed each other.
After that trip I realized I needed to get a handle on the negativity in my life and not let it consume me. I’ve begun reaching out to new people who have welcomed me with open arms even with my abundant amount of children who may not be all “normal” but who are every bit as special as the next kiddo. I’m choosing me. I’m being selfish and doing what I need to do in order to be the best ‘me’, because I love my family too much to let me go.
I choose happiness. I choose love. I choose me.
All photos are taken by me, owner/photographer of TBD Photography – Deutschland.